Saturday, November 13, 2010

My Confessional...

Okay, here it is. This is my confessional. This is where I confess that I'm not a perfect Mom. Not even a perfect person (obviously, being a perfect human is easier than being a perfect Mom). But it's true. I am about to share a very personal, hormonal, slightly psychotic break-down I had this morning.
I woke this morning with a purpose. My mission: to get my haircut. Alone. I made breakfast, played with Sophia, folded some laundry, and got the hell out of dodge. I was 1 mile away from home (not even out of the neighborhood), when my phone rings. It's Heather. Don told her I was out getting my haircut and she asked if she could come too. My immediate response was, "No, I will take you tomorrow." But then I hung up, and made a u-turn. I called the house to tell her to get ready. Nobody answered. I called again. No answer. By the time I got home, I was ticked. I came into the house, hollered at whoever was closest and asked, "Why can't I just be alone for 5 minutes?"
So was I mad because I couldn't get my morning alone or because nobody answered the phone? I guess the answer is "both." I just feel, sometimes, that even if I wanted to escape for 5 minutes, someone could find me. Always. As awful as it sounds, I just wanted to not be found for a few not be in charge of someone for a few minutes.
I waited in the car in the driveway for Heather as she got dressed and I cried. I cried becuase I knew my daughter had heard me holler at my husband that I had wanted to be alone. I couldn't bear the thought of her thinking that I didn't want HER with me. I just didn't want ANYONE with me. When she got in the car, I composed myself enough to explain.
When you spend all your days taking care of other people, it's exhausting. You put so much effort into their needs, that you forget about your own. You forget about things like haircuts, polished toes, and a peppermint mocha. (Granted, these aren't needs per se, but nonetheless, desires.) Whether you forget about these things, I'm not sure. Truthfully, you are just too tired to do anything about them. So when you do get the chance, and it doesn't work out, you could possibly blow! Which I did.
So here's my vow. It's not fair for my family to hear anymore of my hormonal, semi-psychotic break downs. Honestly, they take too much out of me. So instead, I vow to take the breaks I need so I can stay a "sane" Mommy. I know, easier said than done. And who actually knows a "sane" Mommy? Well, I just mean that I need to take more caution by setting aside time for myself. I just need to decide whether I want to wake up early to do this or do it at the end of each day. Regardless, it will be time well spent. Especially if it means I can avoid making my family feel like I don't like them! All in all, I think Heather understood; as much as a 15 year old can at that point. Either that, or she just nodded her head and thought, "I'm never getting pregnant. Those hormones are CRAZY!"